Man: UNION STATION, LOS ANGELES.
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES.
THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE.
- ( chuckles ) - ( bells toll )
♪ ONE, TWO, THREE! ♪
♪ Good love ♪
- ( horn honking ) - TAXI!
♪ Good love ♪
Woman: ( whistles ) HEY, DUDE!
- ♪ I WAS FEELIN' SO BAD ♪ - JUMP IN, BUD.
♪ I ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR JUST WHAT I HAD ♪
( tires screech )
♪ I SAID DOCTOR Doctor ♪
♪ MR. M.D. Doctor ♪
♪ CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S AILING ME? ♪
- ( woman yelling shrilly ) - ♪ Doctor ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH" ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ YES, INDEED ♪
♪ ALL I, I REALLY NEED ♪
♪ NOW, GIVE ME THAT GOOD, GOOD LOVE ♪
♪ Good love ♪
♪ ALL I NEED IS LOVE ♪
♪ Good love ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN', BABY ♪
♪ Good love ♪
( horns honking )
♪ OW! ♪
- Woman: THAT'LL BE $80, PLEASE. - Man: $80?
Woman: WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED THE SCENIC ROUTE.
YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT ENTRANCE?
YOU BET.
- HAVE A NICE TRIP. - YEAH.
BYE. HAVE A GOOD TIME.
( yells shrilly )
- UH... - HAVE FUN!
HEY, MY THINGS!
- ( horn honks ) - ( yells shrilly )
( doorbell rings )
SKIP?
( rock music playing )
SKIP?
"DEAR ED, L.A. IS FOR YOU, DUDE.
AWESOME SURPRISE WAITING FOR YOU IN THE FRIDGE."
HMM.
"SURPRISE INSIDE."
( yells )
AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
STOP IT.
I GOT YOU.
- I GOT YOU! - YOU DID NOT.
- I DID, TOO. - NO, YOU DIDN'T.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, EDDIE!
HOW YOU DOIN'?
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? I COULD HAVE DIED IN THERE.
OH, MAN, YOU ARE SO CRAZY.
WHAT IF THE DOOR GOT STUCK?
WELL, LIFE IS A SERIES OF RISKS, MAN,
AND YOU HAVE TAKEN THE ULTIMATE RISK
BY COMING OUT HERE TO LIVE WITH ME, DUDE.
LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES.
WHAT IS THIS "DUDE" STUFF?
YOU'RE FROM OHIO. COME ON.
NOT ANYMORE.
COME ON.
SO, YOU SEE, I SCAMMED MY WAY INTO HOUSE-SITTING
FOR THIS BIG ADVERTISING AGENCY, RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, MAN?
I THINK IT'S GREAT.
WOW.
SO, YOU GOT DUMPED, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, I'M IN MY TUXEDO, I'M ON MY WAY TO THE WEDDING,
AND THEN I FIND OUT THAT JOANIE ELOPED WITH PAUL BODINE.
- HE WAS YOUR BEST MAN. - YEAH.
LISTEN, THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE, BUDDY,
BECAUSE MI CASA ESESSES YOU CASA.
- ( laughs ) - WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT MY HOUSE IS YOUR HOUSE, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I BET YOU NEED HELP FINDING A JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LIVING OFF NOW?
THE MONEY I GOT BACK FROM THE WEDDING CATERERS.
WELL, I HAVE YOU A JOB
WITH ONE OF L.A.'s HOTTEST AD AGENCIES.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
VIDIOCITY.
WAIT, ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU GOT ME A JOB?
- SCAB, THANK YOU. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
LOOK, AS SOON AS YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS STUFF,
WE'RE GOING TO SET YOU LOOSE ON ABOUT A BILLION
OR SO WOMEN THAT ARE JUST DYING TO MEET YOU.
HOW DID YOU...
WHOA.
SKIP, THERE'S A NAKED GIRL IN YOUR BACKYARD.
- THAT'S MAMEGAMA. - WHAT?
BUSH, MAN! THAT'S IRENE. WAVE.
- ( knocking on window ) - Skip: OH.
HI.
SEE, THE AD AGENCY LETS THIS PHOTOGRAPHER DO THIS EVERY MORNING.
HE DOES THESE LAYOUTS EVERY SINGLE-- IS THIS GOING TO BOTHER YOU?
- HUH? - HUH?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
EDDIE. EDDIE. EDDIE. EDDIE, LOOK AT ME NOW.
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS SERIOUS TRAUMA. ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, I WAS DUMPED BY A CHICK ONCE.
WELL, MAYBE NOT, BUT...
LOOK, IF ANYBODY CAN MAKE YOU FORGET ABOUT JOANIE,
I CAN. ALL RIGHT?
COME ON. I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
EDDIE, DOWN BOY. COME ON.
WHOA.
NICE CAR, HUH?
YOU SEE, EDDIE, IN THIS TOWN, YOUR CAR IS EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR, YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK.
NOW, SINCE THIS IS YOUR FIRST CAR IN L.A.,
WE'RE GOING TO START YOU OUT WITH A SMALL DICK.
TA-DA.
WOW.
HERE YOU GO. KEY.
- THIS IS MINE? - YEP.
THESE GO WITH IT.
SKIP.
ON YOUR WAY, WHY DON'T YOU STOP OFF,
CHECK THE OIL, GIVE HER SOME GAS.
YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOUR DICK. ( laughs )
I THINK I MIGHT LIKE LIVING IN L.A.
WHO KNOWS?
( sputtering )
( engine dies )
( engine turning )
( engine starts )
( telephone ringing )
Woman: VIDIOCITY, ONE MOMENT.
( telephone rings )
MAY I HELP YOU?
MY NAME IS EDDIE HAYES. I'M HERE TO SEE PETER NEWCOMB?
THERE'S A MR. HAYES TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A JOB INTERVIEW.
HE'S SAYS IT'S A JOB INTERVIEW.
MM-HMM. ( chuckles )
IT'S THE LAST DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
- THANK YOU. - ( chuckles )
( whirring )
WELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF HE IS IN PALM SPRINGS,
NOBODY SHOOTS SHIT UNLESS THE PRICK SHOWS HIS ASS TO ME IN PERSON.
( snaps fingers )
WELL, FUCK HIM! BURY HIM!
HE'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.
FINE, FINE.
LOUISA?
MY WIFE CALLS, I'M ON THE PHONE,
AND HOLD MY CALLS FOR 15 SECONDS.
SO... WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A JOB?
HI, I'M ED HAYES.
MY ROOMMATE SKIP DOOLEY CALLED YOU ABOUT ME?
DOOLEY?
OH, YEAH.
THE KID WHO HOUSESITS FOR THE HEAD OF OUR LONDON OFFICE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
GOT A RESUME?
I'M HAVING NEW ONES PRINTED UP.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN BREAK INTO THE CALIFORNIA MARKET?
WELL, I HAVE A B.A. IN COMMUNICATIONS,
I'M DEPENDABLE, I CAN REALLY HANDLE RESPONSIBILITY,
AND I LIKE WORKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
REALLY?
I DON'T SEE ANY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE HERE.
YEAH, WELL, I HAD A CABLE ACCESS SHOW
CALLED "PROUD TO BE A BUCKEYE."
I HAVE LOTS OF TAPES.
I COULD SEND YOU A SAMPLE IF--
LOOK, KID, I HATE TO POP YOUR WEASEL,
BUT WE ONLY HIRE HEAVYWEIGHT PEOPLE
WITH CREDITS IN THIS TOWN.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL APPLY BACK IN--
AKRON.
TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST WITH YOU,
I'M KIND OF LOW ON FUNDS,
AND I'M WILLING TO START ANYWHERE.
I'LL SWEEP UP, I'LL ANSWER THE PHONES.
WHAT?
NO.
TELL HIM I'M NOT IN.
WELL, LOCK THE DOOR.
HOW COULD YOU?
IN MY OWN HOUSE, IN MY OWN BED.
WHAT AM I TO YOU, A PIMP?
I'M WITH A CLIENT.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME HOME
AND FIND THE GARDENER TIED TO YOUR BED?
( chuckles )
YOU LEFT GRASS STAINS.
YOU ARE SUCH A CHILD.
CHILD? YOU'RE THE CHILD.
- YOU'RE THE CHILD. - NO, YOU'RE THE CHILD.
- NO, YOU'RE THE CHILD.
- THIS IS MINE. - NO, THAT'S MINE.
- I'M TAKING IT. - IT'S MINE.
IT'S MINE!
- GIVE ME THAT. - ( snaps )
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
AND DON'T COME OVER TILL YOU'VE MADE THIS UP TO ME.
DID I COME AT A BAD TIME?
WHAT KIND OF A JOB WERE YOU LOOKING FOR?
MY BROTHER NEEDS SOME HELP IN ADVERTISING
DOWN AT THE BEACH. AHEM.
- WHEN CAN YOU START? - IMMEDIATELY.
GOOD.
AND I'D PREFER IT IF YOU DIDN'T MENTION...
YOU KNOW.
ME? MENTION? NO, I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME ABOARD.
- ALL RIGHT. - YEAH.
( guitar playing )
♪ INVADERS COMING IN FROM ANOTHER PLANET ♪
♪ INVADERS COMING IN FROM ANOTHER WORLD ♪
♪ COME IN AND LOOK FOR ME ON YOUR PLANET ♪
♪ INVADERS COMING IN FROM ANOTHER WORLD ♪
WHAT YOU ARE IS WHAT YOU GET IN HOLLYWOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
- LOVE WILL COME. - ( picking guitar )
DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?
WHAT A WEIRDO.
WHO'S A WEIRDO?
THAT GUY.
UM, NEVER MIND.
LISTEN, I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED TONY.
DO YOU KNOW HIM?
GUY NAMED TONY?
YEAH, GUY NAMED TONY. DO YOU KNOW HIM?
HEY, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE GUY IS, JUST SAY SO, OKAY?
YOU LIKE YOUR FINGER?
DON'T EVER POINT YOUR FINGER AT TONY.
TONY DON'T LIKE FINGERS POINTED AT HIM.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE TONY?
LISTEN, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOUR BROTHER SENT ME DOWN HERE.
HE SAID THAT YOU HAD A JOB FOR ME.
DO YOU HAVE A JOB FOR ME OR NOT?
OH, MY BROTHER.
( laughing )
HERE.
HAND THESE OUT TO PEOPLE ON THE BEACH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE JOB IS HANDING FLYERS OUT ON THE BEACH?
OH, MAN.
THIS IS GREAT.
WELL, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
WELL, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT, YOU KNOW.
I'M GOING TO NEED THE MONEY, BUT... I DON'T KNOW.
YOU JUST HAD ME GOING THERE, YOU KNOW, IN THE BEGINNING.
ANYWAY, I THINK IF WE'RE GOING TO WORK TOGETHER,
WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS. MY NAME IS EDDIE. HI.
FRIENDS?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT A FRIEND IS.
A FRIEND IS A GUY WHO LEAVES YOU BLEEDING IN THE DITCH
WITH BULLETS SCREAMING OVER YOUR HEAD.
YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT A FRIEND IS, EDDIE.
YEAH, I'M WORKING WITH A GUY WHO LIVES IN A BOX.
SURE.
HI.
THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HI.
THEY HAVE BOOGIE BOARDS AND SKATEBOARDS
AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.
OH!
GOD!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
LISTEN, DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
DO I KNOW YOU?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A DATE.
HERE'S MY CARD.
VIDEO VALENTINE DATING SERVICE?
THANKS A LOT.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT'S HARD TO MEET NEW PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN.
CUTE GUY LIKE YOU.
ANYWAY, IT'S A MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.
- HOW YOU DOIN'? - YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
- EDDIE. - SKIP.
YEAH.
HI.
YOU'RE JUST THE GUY I NEED TO SEE.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, OKAY?
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT?
I GAVE YOU SOME MONEY, RIGHT?
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.
WHO ARE THEY?
- FRIENDS? - JUST SOME FRIENDS.
SO, WHAT'S WRONG?
SKIP.
WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT A JOB IN ADVERTISING?
YOU KNOW WHAT THE JOB IS? HUH?
I'M HANDING OUT FLYERS ON THE BEACH.
YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE.
NO. NO. THIS IS NOT A START, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
LOOK, EDDIE, I KNOW YOU MAJORED IN ADVERTISING IN COLLEGE,
BUT SEE, THIS IS A VERY TOUGH TOWN TO GET A START IN.
- NOW, WHAT ARE THESE? - FLYERS.
NO, EDDIE.
THESE ARE LITTLE STEPPING STONES.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE CONTACTS WITH THESE.
THESE ARE YOUR FUTURE, EDDIE.
I THINK THE SMOG WENT TO YOUR BRAIN.
EDDIE...
L.A. IS NOT REALITY.
YOU SEE, IT'S JUST A STATE OF MIND.
THE ONLY WAY TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN THIS TOWN
IS TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE. RIGHT?
YOU MAKE THEM THINK YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL AND THEN YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL.
IT'S SELLING THE FANTASY, EDDIE.
( chuckles )
IT'S LIKE STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
HEY!
THERE'S FLYERS TO BE FLOWN!
HEY, TONY!
HEY, YOURSELF.
THIS GUY IS VERY STRANGE.
YOU KNOW, I HEARD HE WAS THIS MIND SWEEPER IN GRANADA.
WHATEVER YOU DO MAN, DON'T POINT AT HIM.
I KNOW. I ALREADY FOUND THAT OUT.
OH, EDDIE. EDDIE, COME HERE.
GIRLS, THIS IS MY VERY COOL COUSIN, EDDIE.
- HI. - HI.
HE OWNS THIS BUILDING RIGHT HERE.
- OHH. - YEAH.
EXCUSE US. EXCUSE US.
NOW, EDDIE, LOOK, THE BUSINESS AT HAND
IS FOR YOU TO GO OUT AND FIND YOURSELF A CHICK, RIGHT?
I MEAN, LOOK, YOU WERE ENGAGED FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS,
YOU'RE PROBABLY TIRED OF SLAPPING THE OLD PUPPY AROUND, HUH?
- I GOT TO GO. - LOOK, EDDIE. EDDIE.
I WANT YOU TO BEEF HER, AND I WANT YOU TO MAKE HER BEG FOR MORE.
- YOU ARE SO SICK. - I KNOW.
GOD.
( music playing )
♪ OW ♪
HI.
YOU LIVE HERE?
UH-HUH.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- I JUST MOVED HERE. - OH, YEAH? WHERE FROM?
OHIO.
OH, REALLY?
I'M FROM OHIO. WHEREABOUTS?
AKRON.
( laughing )
WHAT?
OH, NOTHING.
WELL, SEEING THAT I'M FROM OHIO
AND THAT YOU'RE FROM OHIO AND THAT I'M NEW HERE,
YOU THINK MAYBE WE COULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME,
- YOU COULD SHOW ME AROUND? - YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.
THE REASON I MOVED HERE IS TO GET AWAY FROM GUYS FROM OHIO.
♪ TELL ME WHAT'S THE WORD, WORD UP ♪
♪ EVERYBODY SAY... ♪
YOU LIKE TO SKATE?
NO.
I LIKE TO SKATE.
GOOD.
OH, I LOVE THAT BOOK.
IT'S THE GREATEST BOOK. YOU LIKE IT?
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I CRIED WHEN THE SON GOT KILLED AT THE END.
THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.
I AM SO SORRY.
OH, I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT.
♪ WE CAN USE IT, WE NEED TO DANCE ♪
♪ WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL ROMANCE ♪
♪ NO ROMANCE, NO ROMANCE... ♪
HI.
I LOVE THE OCEAN.
YOU KNOW, IT REMINDS ME OF PIRATES AND ADVENTURE.
- WHAT DOES IT REMIND YOU OF? - TOXIC POLLUTION.
YOU EVER SEE A SPERM WHALE BEACH ITSELF?
NO.
( gulls squawking )
OKAY, THAT'S NICE, RIGHT IN THERE.
OKAY. GREAT. OKAY, CATHERINE, HOP ONTO BRIAN'S KNEE.
- ( doorbell ringing ) - YES, LEAN ON HIS KNEE.
THAT'S GOOD. RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.
OKAY.
( doorbell ringing )
- HOW YOU DOIN'? - HI.
- EDWARD HAYES? - YES.
GOT A PACKAGE FOR YOU.
THANKS.
JUST SIGN HERE.
SURE.
OH, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN SIGNING OUR PETITION FOR WORLD PEACE?
YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S A $10 DONATION.
REALLY?
NO, THANKS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO THANKS?
YOU DON'T GET PEACE WITHOUT WORK, PAL!
SKIP!
IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MAKE IT TOUGH FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD!
IT'S JERKS LIKE YOU THAT GO SPOUTING LOVE
AND FREEDOM WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT!
WORLD PEACE, YOU ASSHOLE!
WATCH IT, BUDDY!
Man: Is it on? Is it on?
I think so.
Well, come on.
Can you hear us, honey?
Eddie? Can you hear us?
- He can hear us. - Hi, honey.
Mace, he can see us, too, all right?
Now, you're in the way.
We don't want you to live out there.
We want you to come home where you belong.
Oh, May. Shut up. Shut up.
You shut up.
Look, Ed...
now we got to talk, all right?
Now, we understand
how difficult it's been since Joanie dumped you,
but it's no reason for you to throw away your life,
to move to California.
You got to settle down.
You got to get a real job.
Okay?
It--it--it-- it's not your fault she left you, dear.
She was never good enough for you anyway.
Mace, mace, mace.
Never step in front of me.
Now, when I tell you to pack up your bags and come home, you do it.
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?
Now, California is not a place for a man--
( fast forwarding )
But look, I never forgot the one thing.
The one thing, and that is responsibility to my--
Mace. Please, Mace.
Son, this is a warning to you now,
and it's the last one I'm giving to you.
You get on a plane, and you come home.
MOM!
WHAT AM I SAYING?
I'M TALKING TO A TELEVISION SET.
YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?
Receptionist: VIDIOCITY, ONE MOMENT.
HI.
ED HAYES. I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY CHECK.
WAIT, WAIT.
BEFORE YOU CALL, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, OKAY?
IF A GUY LIKE ME WERE TO ASK YOU OUT, WOULD YOU SAY YES?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME OUT.
OH.
OKAY.
WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
NO.
REALLY? I'M GOING TO GO PICK UP MY CHECK.
I UNDERSTAND, FOREHEAD, YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
BUT, THIS ISN'T SHOW ART, IT'S SHOW BUSINESS.
FUCK YOU, TOO.
YOUR CHECK'S DOWN THERE.
( chuckles )
SO, HOW'S LIFE AT THE BEACH WITH MY CRAZY BROTHER?
CRAZIER THAN EVER.
LOOK, WHEN CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT A PROMOTION?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE BIT LONGER, ED.
I'M AFRAID YOU HAVEN'T QUITE GOT
INTO THE CALIFORNIA SPIRIT YET--
THE WAY WE DO THINGS OUT HERE.
OH, YEAH?
HOW LONG IS THAT GOING TO TAKE?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON YOU, DOESN'T IT?
LOOK, A COUPLE OF MORE MONTHS AND I'LL GET YOU ON THE BOOKS,
AND THEN WE'LL SEE IF WE CAN'T GET YOU IN HERE SOMEHOW.
UNTIL THEN, CHILL OUT.
( toy car whirs )
HELLO, MY NAME'S ABIGAIL,
AND I LIKE CAMPING, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH--
EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
NO.
LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH,
AND I DON'T EAT RED MEAT.
HELLO, MY NAME IS ABIGAIL, AND I LIKE CAMPING,
LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, HEALTHY--
HELLO, MY NAME IS ABIGAIL,
AND I LIKE CAMPING, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH...
( elevator bell rings )
AND I LIKE CAMPING, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH,
SURFERS, AND ANYTHING TUBULAR.
( chattering )
HI.
MR. FLYERS.
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO COME IN.
HI, I'M PEGGY KELLOGG.
HI, PEGGY.
- HI. - ED HAYES.
NOW, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY COME IN HERE TO USE THE SERVICE.
YEAH, ALL THE GUYS WHO COME IN HERE SAY THAT.
SO, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIND YOUR PERFECT MATE
UNLESS YOU TRY, RIGHT?
YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU EVER DATE GUYS FROM THE DATING SERVICE?
'FRAID IT'S AGAINST THE RULES, SORRY.
BUT WE DO HAVE A GIRL HERE FOR YOU, BELIEVE ME.
WHAT KIND ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMEONE I COULD SETTLE DOWN WITH.
MAYBE GET MARRIED, START A FAMILY.
NO, I MEAN WHAT TYPE.
TALL? SHORT?
PLUMP? SKINNY?
I DON'T KNOW. NORMAL, WHATEVER.
NORMAL... HOBBIES?
BICYCLING? SKIING?
SCUBA DIVING? DANCING?
- DANCING. - DANCING.
OKAY.
HERE ARE A COUPLE SAMPLE TAPES.
TAKE A LOOK AT THEM AND SEE IF YOU WANNA MAKE ONE FOR YOURSELF.
LISTEN, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA.
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M DESPERATE OR ANYTHING.
WHO SAYS YOU'RE DESPERATE?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
NO REJECTIONS.
THEY CALL YOU AND TELL YOU IF THEY WANT A DATE.
OKAY.
I'LL LOOK AT IT.
OKAY.
VIEWING ROOM'S OVER THERE.
OKAY.
and I work at a health agency so I'm very clean.
Um, I'm just looking for an all-American kind of guy.
You know, like a doctor or a lawyer.
Um, my mother wants me to get somebody
who makes over $100,000 a year.
So, I'm very flexible.
I'm just looking to fall in love.
HMM.
Hi.
Ahem.
Hi.
My name is Louise Harland and, um...
I'm in my early 20s and, um, I have a job.
I'm a legal secretary
and, um, uh...
I like men ( chuckles )
and I like to go to amusement parks.
I really like it when the roller coasters go up and down
and around and you scream
and you feel like you're going to fall.
( fast forwarding )
Hello.
I'm a receptionist.
Well, I was until yesterday.
I got fire-- well, I didn't really get fired.
They kind of asked me if I wanted to resign,
but, um, I didn't like it anyway.
Well, anyway, I shouldn't bring this into it.
My mother always says I can't finish--
Well, forget about my mother.
I'm looking for
somebody that will help me feel, um, fulfilled.
Not that I need a man to make me feel complete.
But-- well, if you want to meet me, that's--
If you don't want to, that's all right, too.
HMM.
Are we in focus?
I don't think we're in focus.
Oh. Fine. There.
NOW, LISTEN, HAYES.
ALL YOU DO IS TALK TO THE CAMERA.
THE CAMERA IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
YOU WANT TO IMPRESS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
YOU GOT IT?
MM-HMM.
NOW, SIT UP STRAIGHT AND GET A DATE.
DO I JUST TALK TO THE LENS?
YOU GOT IT, BABE.
EYES STRAIGHT, A LITTLE CHEST HAIR SHOWING.
AND WIPE THAT DESPERATE LOOK OFF YOUR FACE.
YOU WANT A DATE, SO THINK SEX.
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET PICKED UP, NOT ARRESTED.
OKAY.
VIDEO VALENTINE, TAKE ONE.
RELAX, KID, STRAIGHTEN UP.
SEX... AND ACTION.
Hi. What-- I don't--
YOU WANT THEM TO THINK YOU'RE A GEEK?
TELL THEM YOUR NAME, AGE, SPECIAL INTERESTS.
OKAY, HI.
MY NAME IS EDDIE HAYES.
I'M 23 YEARS OLD, AND I RECENTLY MOVED HERE FROM OHIO.
AND I LIKE TO DANCE.
I LIKE TO GO TO THE MOVIES,
AND, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M A DIRECTOR.
I DO ALL SORTS OF COMMERCIALS.
THAT'S COMING OVER THE HILL AND THE HEAT'S RISING?
THAT WAS MINE. I DID THAT ONE.
I GUESS WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FOR IS AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL.
SOMEONE WHO'S IN THE ARTS, WHO ENJOYS DRESSING UP,
BUT ALSO WOULD LIKE HOT DOGS AND FRENCH FRIES.
UM, HOW AM I DOIN'?
OH, PEACHY.
Cut, next.
( beeps )
Woman: Hi, Eddie, I saw your tape,
and I think you're really cute.
Would you like to go out with me?
♪ AND YOU COMB YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ GRAB YOUR COAT AND HAT ♪
♪ AND YOU WALK WET STREETS TRYING TO REMEMBER ♪
♪ ALL THE WILD NIGHTS BREEZES IN YOUR EVER, EVER ♪
♪ AND EVERYTHING IS SO COMPLETE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE WALKING OUT ON THE STREET ♪
♪ AND THE WIND CATCHES YOUR FEET ♪
♪ SENDS YOU FLYIN', CRYIN' ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOHIE ♪
♪ A WILD NIGHT IS CALLIN' ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOHIE ♪
EDDIE?
MADONNA?
YEAH, WELL, IT'S REALLY GLENDA,
BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME MADONNA BECAUSE OF THE RESEMBLANCE.
CAN'T YOU TELL?
WELL, THIS IS MY DADDY OVER HERE.
DADDY, THIS IS EDMUND.
HE'S THE BIG MOVIE DIRECTOR I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT
AND, UM, MAYBE HE HAS A PART FOR ME.
WELL, NOW I CAN'T PROMISE.
OH, THAT'S THE PHONE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. OKAY?
YOU JUST STAY RIGHT THERE, OKAY?
BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY.
HOW YOU DOING, SIR?
YOUR DAUGHTER SEEMS VERY NICE.
SIT DOWN.
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER VERY MUCH.
I GOT TWO WORDS OF ADVICE FOR YOU.
BE CAREFUL.
YOU GOT RAINCOATS?
RAINCOATS?
PROFOS,
DICK WRAPPERS, CONDOMS.
IT'S OUR FIRST DATE.
BE CAREFUL YOU DON'T GET YOUR BIRDIE EXCITED.
MY BIRDIE?
YOUR WEENIE...
YOUR SCHMECKLE,
YOUR DICK.
CAREFUL YOU DON'T GET YOUR BIRDIE EXCITED
AND BECOME A DADDY.
YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE IF YOU'RE A DADDY.
NOWHERE BUT WORK.
YOU LIKE TO WORK?
I GET UP, I GO TO WORK. I GET UP, I GO TO WORK.
JESUS!
YOU GOT TO KEEP BOBBIN' AND WEAVIN'.
BOBBIN' AND WEAVIN'. BOBBIN' AND WEAVIN'.
BOBBIN' AND WEAVIN' OR LIFE'LL GET YA.
USE 'EM.
FOR A LOT OF REASONS.
YOU MAY THINK I'M NUTS.
I AIN'T NUTS.
LIFE IS NUTS.
COME ON, EDDIE.
BE CAREFUL.
COME ON, LETS GO.
UM, OKAY.
AHEM.
I REALLY ENJOYED--
EDDIE.
- I ENJOYED OUR CHAT. - FUCK YOU.
COME ON, EDDIE, LET'S GO.
BYE, DADDY.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
NIGHT, SIR.
♪ THE LIGHTS ARE ON ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE NOT HOME ♪
♪ YOUR MIND IS NOT YOUR OWN ♪
♪ YOUR HEART SWEATS, YOUR BODY SHAKES ♪
♪ ANOTHER KISS... ♪
Eddie: SO, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT IN PARIS THIS WEEKEND,
- BUT IT WAS RAINING. - WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WELL, SO WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A BIG MOVIE DIRECTOR, HUH?
UM, IT'S LIKE ANY OTHER JOB, YOU KNOW?
WELL, HAVE YOU DIRECTED ANYTHING THAT I'VE SEEN?
YOU KNOW?
UH, THIS AND THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME.
I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
I TALK ABOUT THE BUSINESS ALL DAY, YOU KNOW?
MM-HMM.
SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THE DATING SERVICE?
OH, ALMOST A YEAR.
I LIKE IT, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE SOME GUY
THAT YOU THINK'S REALLY CUTE,
AND YOU JUST PICK HIM OUT OF THE HERD AND, WELL, HERE WE ARE.
( chuckles )
SO, DO YOU LIKE MY BREASTS?
WHAT?
I MEAN, AN ACTRESS HAS TO HAVE BIG ONES, RIGHT?
WELL, MINE AREN'T SO BIG.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M STANDING LIKE THIS,
THEY'RE REALLY TINY, BUT IF I STAND LIKE THAT
AND I HUNCH OVER, THEY'RE GARGANTUAN.
OH, GOD.
MY DADDY'S SUCH A WEIRDO.
OH, GOD.
I MEAN, IF HE HADN'T GOT ME THAT JOB DANCING,
I WOULD HAVE SPLIT LONG AGO.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE A DANCER.
YEAH, WELL, YOU ASKED FOR SOMEBODY
IN THE PERFORMING ARTS, DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, I'M IN SHOWBIZ.
AND YOU MEET SO MANY PEOPLE AT MONSTER MANSION--
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WORK AT MONSTER MANSION?
WELL, YEAH.
I'M THE DANCING TROLL.
( coughing )
EDDIE?
EXCUSE ME.
EDDIE? ARE YOU OKAY?
HERE, HERE. LET ME HELP YOU.
( coughing )
OH. OH, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I'M FINE. THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY. IT MUST HAVE GONE, YOU KNOW...
THAT'S OKAY.
I DO THE HEIMLICH ALL THE TIME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
SO, ARE YOU GOING TO AUDITION ME, OR WHAT?
HMM?
WHOA. I--
( both moaning )
WHAT?
I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE WE'D GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER FIRST, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I WANT TO KNOW YOU.
- REALLY? - I DO.
- ♪ MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, ♪ - ( horn honks )
- ♪ YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE ♪ - OH! ( laughs )
( moaning )
♪ YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE ♪
♪ MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE... ♪
Glenda: OH, YES! YES!
( moaning )
Eddie: WHY? WHAT AM I DOING?
NOTHING. LET'S JUST PRETEND LIKE WE'RE DOING IT, OKAY?
OH! RIGHT LIKE THAT. RIGHT LIKE THAT.
- OH, DON'T MOVE! - OW! OW!
PLEASE DON'T MOVE! DON'T BREATHE!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING WITH MY LEG.
- OH, NO. - I THINK I HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE.
- NO! - YEAH!
OH, GOD!
OH, YES! YES! ( screaming )
♪ MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE ♪
( breathing heavily )
OH, GOD.
OH, THAT WAS GOOD. OH, GOD.
OH. WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU, TOO?
BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SAFE SEX.
BUT YET...
LOOK, I'VE GOT A DATE LATER ON.
SO MAYBE WE BETTER GET GOING.
OH, MY GOD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE TO BE ON THE SET FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
OH, THAT REMINDS ME. HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.
HERE, MY 8x10 AND IF YOU CAN EVER USE ME,
EVEN IN THE TINY, TINY, TINY LITTLE PART,
I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT, OKAY?
THANKS.
♪ IT'S CLOSER TO THE TRUTH TO SAY YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FACE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE. ♪
SO, YOU WENT OUT WITH THE DANCING TROLL?
JUST TRYING TO FIND A GIRL, THAT'S ALL.
SOUNDS PRETTY SQUIRRELLY TO ME, ED.
LOOK, IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET WOMEN
TO NOTICE ME IS IF MAKE UP WHO THEY WANT ME TO BE.
SO, ONE DATE I'M A DIRECTOR,
THE NEXT DATE,
BE A ROCK AND ROLLER. ( chuckles )
UM, MAYBE ONE DATE I'LL BE A--
SLEAZEBAG PERVERT?
BOOGIE BOARDS,
SKATEBOARDS...
I'M REALLY BORED.
YO, SKATE CITY.
YO, SKATEBOARDS.
YO.
WHOA.
EDDIE, HOW ARE YOU?
I'M ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YOU?
PRETTY GOOD.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
YEAH, HI.
SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.
SO, HOW'S THE BIG LIFE OF A MOVIE DIRECTOR.
IS THIS THE PART WHERE THE CAR COMES OVER THE HILL?
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST KIDDING.
SO, HOW'D YOUR DATE GO?
MY DATE WAS MISERABLE.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
YOU WENT OUT WITH THE ONE FROM MONSTER MANSION, RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
WELL, FIRST DATES ARE ALWAYS THE WORST.
COME ON, EDDIE. THERE'S A LOT OF GIRLS AT THE DATING SERVICE.
JUST COME IN AND BE YOURSELF.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S REALLY EASY FOR YOU TO SAY
WITH MR. TUBULAR STANDING OVER THERE AS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
MAYBE IF I KNEW HOW TO SURF, I'D GET LUCKY.
HE'S NOT A SURFER, HE'S A LIFEGUARD.
YO, PATON. COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
ANYWAY, I GOT TO GO.
SO, ARE WE GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'LL COME IN AS A SURFER.
THAT WOULD BE FUNNY.
WE'LL SEE YOU ON TAPE.
CIAO.
BYE.
WE IN FOCUS, HONEY?
YES, MS. FRIGGET.
SO, YOU GOT A TROLL, HUH?
TOO BAD.
IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMIN' OFF LIKE A WIMP.
CHEST UP.
CHIN IN.
FLEX THOSE PECS.
HOW'S THIS?
YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED.
OH, JUST BE YOURSELF, AND--
WAIT. EXCUSE ME. DO I HAVE TO PAY AGAIN?
OF COURSE YOU GOT TO PAY.
NOTHING IN THIS LIFE IS FREE.
I GOT TO LIVE, I GOT TO EAT.
ACTION.
HEY, BABY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?
ED'S THE NAME, ROCK 'N' ROLL'S THE GAME.
CHECK IT OUT.
NOW, LISTEN, LIFE IS A SERIES OF RISKS
AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE THE ULTIMATE RISK BY GOING OUT WITH ME.
NOW, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A HEAVY COMMITMENT.
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT AN ILLIN' BABE THAT I CAN TAKE HOME TO MOM.
CHECK IT OUT. CAN YOU DIG IT?
YEAH.
I LOVED YOUR VIDEO.
REALLY?
- MM-HMM. - THANK YOU.
ARE YOU REALLY IN A ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND?
UM, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST CAME FROM THE STUDIO.
WE JUT LAID DOWN SOME TRACKS.
AND, UM, ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I DO PERFORMANCE ART.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF RHONDA MIDNIGHT?
YES. I DO RECALL.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE
CALLED THE MATING RITUAL.
DO YOU WANT TO BE IN IT?
YOU MEAN NOW?
WELL, NOT NOW. LATER.
NOW, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE SCAG CLUB.
IT'S VERY HOT, DARK, SMOKY,
AND WE COULD HOLD HANDS UNDER THE TABLE.
AND I CAN PRESS MY HOT LIPS AGAINST YOUR LIPS.
BUT FIRST, WE HAVE TO DRESS YOU UP.
DRESS ME UP?
( gibberish singing )
GOOD, HUH?
OH, YEAH. HE'S GREAT.
♪ EEEEE ♪
HA HA HA HA!
I KIND OF JUST FEEL A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE IN THERE.
YOU KNOW?
THE NEXT GUY SEEMED BETTER.
REALLY?
THIS GUY WE SAW IS GOOD, BUT THE NEXT GUY--
WAIT, WAIT. SKIP! SKIP!
COME HERE!
SKIP!
IT'S ME, EDDIE.
EDDIE?
YES!
OH, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M SORRY.
RHONDA, THIS IS MY ROOMMATE, SKIP, AND THIS IS... RENE.
VERONICA.
OH, MY GOD, BARRY.
THAT'S MY ANALYST OVER THERE.
THAT'S BARRY. I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
- BARRY? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BARRY.
- HI. - HI.
YEAH, I'M ON ONE OF THOSE VIDEO DATES.
SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN IF WE GOT DRESSED UP, YOU KNOW, WENT OUT.
SO, YOU JUST LET HER DO IT, RIGHT?
YOU LET HER PUT ON THE WIG, THE EARRINGS,
EDDIE, LOOK, IT'S OKAY TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE, RIGHT?
JUST AS LONG AS THAT SOMEBODY ELSE IS COOLER THAN YOU.
I GOT TO GO, MAN.
YOU GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?
I'M FINE.
- ALL RIGHT. - SEE YA.
BYE.
- HE'S GOOD, HUH? - YEAH.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
ALL RIGHT.
CARE TO, UH, PARTAKE, MAN?
OH, GEE, NO THANKS.
COME ON, DUDE.
HERE. JUST ONE.
OOH!
♪ IT'S SPRING AGAIN ♪
Rhonda: EDDIE, WAKE UP. WAKE UP.
IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP.
ARE YOU OKAY?
UH, UH, YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO JUMPSTART MY HEART.
I KNOW.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
I CAN'T SEEM TO MEET A NORMAL GUY.
NOW, I MEET YOU AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE BLOWN IT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T BLOW IT.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND A NORMAL GIRL.
I'M NOT EXACTLY NORMAL, THOUGH.
I MEAN, I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL THAT I CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE A COUPLE OF KIDS.
THAT'S REALLY EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, ISN'T IT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARRY CHILDREN.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
NO, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEANT.
YOU WANT SOME POOR WOMAN TO LUG AROUND YOUR KID FOR 9 MONTHS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PREGNANT?
NO.
YOU EXPECT US WOMEN TO WASH, COOK, AND CLEAN FOR YOU,
THEN SPEND ALL NIGHT HAVING SEX LIKE CRAZED MONKEYS.
NO. THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THAT'S NOT FAIR?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S NOT FAIR.
WHAT'S NOT FAIR IS THIS WHOLE IDEA OF THE MATING RITUAL.
THAT A WOMAN OF MY QUALITY HAS TO STOOP AS LOW
AS GOING TO A DATING SERVICE TO GET A DATE,
WHILE MEN LIKE YOU PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH ONES YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY?
I MEAN, WHAT IS IT?
YOU THINK WOMEN ARE LIKE ANIMALS
JUST WAITING AROUND FOR MEN LIKE YOU TO SHOW US DOMINATION?
'CAUSE I CAN SHOW YOU SOMETHING ABOUT DOMINATION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE THESE THINGS DOING ON MY FEET?
WHY ARE THESE CAMERAS ON?
THIS IS THE MATING RITUAL, AND YOU ARE MY MATE.
NO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
LADY!
LEAVING SO SOON?
HA HA HA!
NOW, CHUCK, TRY TO BE DIPLOMATIC.
DIPLOMATIC?
IF I TELL MY SON IT'S DAY AND IT'S NIGHT, THEN IT'S DAY.
MACE, YOU SHUT UP.
NOW JUST SHUT UP.
DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP.
SHUT UP, MACIE.
OHH, SHIT!
GET UP, GET UP, GET UP!
( doorbell ringing )
GET UP QUICK! MY PARENTS ARE HERE.
GET UP!
WHAT?
- MY PARENTS. - WHAT ABOUT 'EM?
THEY'RE HERE. THE GIRLS.
WELL, THEY CAN'T HAVE 'EM,
THEY'RE MINE, NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, MY GOD!
EDDIE? IS THAT YOU?
OKAY.
AH!
AAH!
EDDIE?
MOM, DAD. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
ED.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?
WHOSE PLACE IS THIS?
THIS PLACE? OH, IT'S SKIP'S.
HE'S HOUSE-SITTING FOR THIS GUY.
SON, WHY DO YOU HAVE A TOWEL ON YOUR HEAD?
TOWEL?
OH. WELL, I JUST TOOK A SHOWER,
SO I'M GOING TO GO FINISH DRYING OFF, OKAY?
EXCUSE ME.
WHEW.
AH!
EDDIE.
EDDIE, HONEY? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
NO, MOM. I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER.
DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE A SHOWER?
UM, YEAH, BUT IT GETS REALLY DIRTY IN L.A.
SO, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, OKAY?
WHO IS THAT?
MY MOTHER, SHH.
SHH. WAIT, WAIT--
GO THAT WAY. GO THAT WAY.
SHH. BE COOL. OKAY? PLEASE.
- Photographer: RIGHT. - ( dishes clank )
THAT'S NICE, VERY NICE. OKAY. OOH, BEAUTIFUL.
SALUTE AGAIN, PLEASE.
OH, LOVE IT, LOVE IT. OOH!
DEAR, I THINK WE BETTER WAIT FOR HIM BACK AT THE MOTEL.
COME ON.
THERE IT IS.
THANKS.
MOM, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'RE COMING HOME.
WHAT? THAT? I CAN EXPLAIN THAT.
THIS ISN'T MINE. IT'S SKIP'S.
- WHERE IS SKIP? - HE'S OUT OF TOWN.
THEN, WHO WAS THAT GIRL?
WHAT GIRL?
THAT GIRL.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE NAKED GIRL IN THE BACKYARD?
RIGHT.
WHAT NAKED GIRL?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK TO THE HOTEL
AND I'LL COME OVER.
SON.
SON, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP SOWING WILD OATS.
DARLING, FORGET ABOUT JOANIE.
YOU'LL GET OVER THAT.
LOOK, YOU'RE ON THE NEXT PLANE BACK TO OHIO, YOUNG MAN.
NO, DAD.
BABY. BABY, COME HOME AND LIVE WITH US.
YOUR DADDY WILL GIVE YOU YOUR JOB BACK.
UH, WHAT'S THAT?
CHUCK, YOUR SON IS WEARING AN EARRING.
- OH. - OUCH.
THAT IS THE LAST STRAW.
DAD, COME ON.
UNCLE CHUCK, AUNT MACIE,
WELCOME TO SKIP DOOLEY'S PRACTICAL JOKES, BLUNDERS,
AND COCKAMAMIE GIMMICKS.
I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS,
THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST PRACTICAL JOKES WE PULLED OFF.
WHAT THE...
NO, UNCLE CHUCK, THE CAMERA'S RIGHT OVER THERE BEHIND THE MIRROR.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TWO COME ON OVER HERE
RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND SAY HELLO TO THE TELEVISION AUDIENCE.
COME ON.
SPEAK RIGHT UP.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--
YOU MEAN, THIS IS REALLY--
YOU MEAN WE'RE ON TELEVISION?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, YOU SEE, I TOLD EDWARD NOT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT MY NEW CABLE SHOW.
THE SHOW THAT PUTS EVERYDAY ORDINARY PEOPLE
INTO EXTRAORDINARY SITUATIONS.
Macie: THAT'S AMAZING.
SAY HI. SAY HI, UNCLE CHUCK.
- HI. - ( chuckling )
HELLO, WE'RE FROM OHIO.
COME ON NOW, YOU'RE KIDDING.
ED, YOU NEVER TOLD US YOU WORKED IN TV.
THE PRODUCERS WOULDN'T LET ME.
OHH. OHH.
OH, NOW I GET IT.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THAT'S A WRAP.
THANKS.
YOU GUYS WERE JUST SO GOOD.
COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
MOM, DAD, LISTEN, WE'LL GO OUT TO DINNER LATER.
OKAY? SO, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, GET SOME REST--
( chattering )
GOOD-BYE!
THANKS, MOM.
COME ON, MACE, HE'S A BUSY MAN.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
YOU DIDN'T FOOL ME FOR A MINUTE.
RIGHT, BYE, DAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST WORKED.
WHAT IS IT WE SELL?
THE FANTASY.
UH, EXCUSE ME, HI.
I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL NAMED MONIQUE.
I WAS JUST WONDERING WHEN YOU'D GET HERE.
YOU'RE MONIQUE.
I JUST LOVED YOUR VIDEOTAPE.
WHICH ONE?
THE ONE WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH
YOU LIKE RACING FAST CARS AND WOMEN.
UH, RIGHT, YEAH.
ANYWAY, LISTEN.
I HAVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM.
MY PARENTS JUST CAME INTO TOWN
AND I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH THEM,
SO, I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK OUR DATE.
WHY?
ARE YOU AFRAID I WOULD EMBARRASS YOU?
NO.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT AT ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
THEY JUST CAME INTO TOWN,
AND I HAVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH THEM.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU HAVING DINNER?
CROQUET'S.
I LOVE THAT PLACE.
I'LL CALL PENO RIGHT NOW
AND GET US THE BEST TABLE, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, SURE.
IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, THAT'D BE GREAT.
- THEY'LL LOVE IT. - YEAH?
BELIEVE ME.
AND I'LL LOVE IT EVEN MORE.
SO, WAIT HERE, HANDSOME.
HMM. ( chuckles ) HOW CUTE.
IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A SMALL PENIS.
( chuckles )
IF YOU RUB UP AGAINST IT,
IT'LL TURN INTO A BIG CADILLAC.
- GOOD EVENING. - AH.
I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS EVENING'S MENU TO YOU.
PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT.
AS AN APPETIZER, WE HAVE DUCK SAUSAGE ON A PIZZA
WITH SALMON ROE AND TOMATOES
THAT HAVE BEEN DRIED IN THE NAPA VALLEY SUN.
DUCK PIZZA?
UH-UH. I ASKED YOU NOT TO INTERRUPT.
PLEASE SAVE YOUR QUESTIONS UNTIL I'M FINISHED, ALL RIGHT?
THEN WE HAVE THE PITAGE DE FIDDLE FERN.
A FERN THAT IS ORGANICALLY GROWN
AND CLIPPED ALIVE FROM THE EVERGREENS IN COLORADO.
FIDDLE FERN SOUP? ( laughs )
DAD.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
AND FOR THE MAIN ENTREE,
WE HAVE GRILLED, FREE-RANGE CHICKENS.
THAT MEANS THEY HAVE BEEN RAISED IN A STRESS-FREE ENVIRONMENT,
WITHOUT FENCES OR ANY LOUD NOISES.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
THEY GOT GAY CHICKENS OUT HERE?
SHH.
STRESS-FREE CHICKENS, DEAR.
RICHARD, COULD WE HAVE A BOTTLE OF YOUR BEST CHAMPAGNE?
IT'LL BE A PLEASURE, MADAME.
MAKE IT TWO BOTTLES.
- OF COURSE. - THANK YOU.
WELL, TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF, MONIQUE.
I'M WHAT YOU CALL YOUR TYPICAL BEVERLY HILLS GIRL.
YOU KNOW, I GREW UP ON THE LEFT BANK AND RODEO DRIVE
AND EDDIE IS JUST SO CONTINENTAL,
SO, SAVOIR FAIRE,
THAT I JUST COULD NOT RESIST HIM.
OUR EDDIE?
DAD, YOUR MOUTH IS FULL.
SORRY.
YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE A GUY
WHO KNOWS HOW TO RACE FAST CARS
AND CLIMB MOUNTAINS.
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HIM?
MOM.
YOU KNOW ABOUT MY HOBBIES.
OH, YOUR HOBBIES. OH!
I COULD GO ON AND ON
ABOUT EDDIE'S SCIENCE PROJECT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WON FIRST PRIZE
AT THE PATAWATABE COUNTY FAIR?
HE GREW THE BIGGEST EAR OF CORN IN THE STATE.
I BELIEVE IT.
OOH! ( coughs )
OH, MAN.
( laughs )
I HAD A BIT OF AN ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY. COULD YOU EXCUSE ME A SECOND?
I'M GOING TO RUN TO THE BATHROOM.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED OUT THERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY, I MEAN--
MONIQUE, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IT'S THE MEN'S ROOM,
AND THOSE ARE MY PARENTS OUT THERE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUN.
THE THRILL OF DOING IT IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
I DO, BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GO OUT AND HAVE DINNER
AND THEN MAYBE FUMBLE WITH OUR CLOTHES LATER.
OH, JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED.
HOW CUTE.
( moaning )
( man coughing )
OH.
WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
COME ON. LET'S GO. WE GOT TO GO.
I'M SORRY. SHE WASN'T FEELING WELL.
I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER.
MOM. MONIQUE.
- BYE. - BYE.
- HAVE FUN. - SEE YOU LATER.
( warbles )
- THANK YOU. - ALWAYS A KIDDER.
BYE, MOM, BYE, DAD.
( tires screech )
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GET THE FEELING THAT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
DON'T BE SILLY.
I PRACTICALLY LIVE HERE.
WOULD YOU MIND DOING ME A TEENSY WEENSY FAVOR?
UH-OH. WHAT?
WOULD YOU MIND PUTTING THIS ON?
( chuckles )
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
PRETTY PLEASE?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
IT REALLY TURNS ME ON.
REALLY TURNS ME ON.
WELL, IF IT TURNS YOU ON...
IT TURNS ME ON.
( breathing )
MONIQUE?
I'M OVER HERE.
( hums "Jaws" theme )
( laughing )
( sighs )
I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING DEEP SEA FISHING.
YOU ARE.
YEAH?
( moaning )
HARRY, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
FUCK ME. FUCK ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT ARE THEY SELLING?
( moaning ) FUCK ME.
OKAY.
READY?
( crowd gasps )
( man chuckles )
AAH!
( chattering )
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
MOM, I'M SO SORRY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
MY SON, HAVING SEX IN FRONT OF 1,000 PEOPLE.
IT WAS SIX, TOPS.
CHUCK, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
IF YOU HADN'T LET HIM COME OUT HERE TO GET CORRUPTED.
IN FACT, IF YOUR MOTHER WERE ALIVE TODAY
TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HER GRANDSON--
OH, SHUT UP.
LET'S JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
YOU SHUT UP.
AND DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME TO SHUT UP AGAIN.
NEVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I TELL MY SISTER
BACK IN CLEVELAND HOW YOU'RE LIVING OUT HERE.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
HAVE A NICE TRIP, AUNT MACIE.
MACE, JUST GET IN THE CAR.
DAD.
( chuckles )
SHH, SHH, SHH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'LL ALL BLOW OVER, OKAY? JUST GIVE HER A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I'LL HANDLE IT. HMM? HMM?
OKAY, DAD.
I LOVE YOU.
SUCKER.
MOM, I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW, OKAY?
( engine starts )
SEE YOU, CHUCK.
Eddie: THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST EMBARRASSING NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
OKAY, LOOK, BUT I GOT A PLAN, OKAY?
SEE, YOUR AD AGENCY IS THROWING A PARTY
THIS WEEKEND AT THE HOUSE.
WHAT? OUR HOUSE?
THAT'S RIGHT, OUR HOUSE.
YOU SEE, EVERY TIME THESE BIG HONCHOS FROM OUT OF TOWN COME IN,
THEY THROW THIS PARTY, SO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS,
YOU BRING HER TO THE PARTY, YOU IMPRESS THE SHIT OUT OF HER,
AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL GET LAID,
AND IT MIGHT EVEN BE IN A BED.
HI.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T ROMEO AGAIN.
IT'S 2:30.
YOU'RE AN HOUR LATE.
I KNOW, I HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HER HUSBAND COME HOME TOO EARLY?
I'M SORRY.
I'LL LET HER KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
VIDEO VALENTINE, TAKE 429. ROLLING.
ACTION.
HELLO, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
MY NAME IS EDWARD HAYES III,
I AM LOOKING FOR A YOUNG,
URBAN, PROFESSIONAL WOMAN
WHO ISN'T INTO ONE NIGHT FLINGS,
WHO WOULD ENJOY EATING WHITE WINE
AND BRIE WHILE WE WATCH A POLO MATCH.
OR PERHAPS A DRIVE IN MY JAGUAR, OR MAYBE YOURS,
AND THEN,
AS WE'RE STANDING OF THE BOW ON MY YACHT,
I'LL TURN TO YOU AND SAY.
VOULEZ, VOULEZ VU DE VOULEZ, VU?
( playing "La Cucaracha" )
( chattering )
IT'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
I'M JUST GOING TO GO TOUCH UP MY MAKEUP.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE, OKAY?
OKAY.
WHOA, LOOK AT YOU.
NICE GOING, MAN. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
YEAH, SHE'S REALLY GREAT.
YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER, OKAY?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
TRY TO PICK UP YOUR GIRL?
I'M YOUR COUSIN, MAN. I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
LISTEN, SHE'S NICE. SHE LIKES ME.
LOOK, I THINK THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.
WHY?
THERE'S SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE HERE FROM VIDIOCITY,
ESPECIALLY THE HEAD OF THE NEW YORK OFFICE,
KELLY BONES.
- YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. - ALL RIGHT.
AS SOON AS SHE GETS HERE, I'M GOING TO POINT HER OUT TO YOU, OKAY?
YEAH.
- SEE YOU LATER MAN, HAVE FUN. - ALL RIGHT, SKIP.
OH, MY GOD.
PEGGY.
PEGGY?
WELL, IF IT ISN'T DON JUAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ME? WELL, I HAPPEN TO LIVE HERE.
SURE, JUST LIKE THE MOVIE STUDIO AND THE ROCK BAND.
I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT IT'S TRUE.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT AN ADVERTISING AGENCY OWNS THIS PLACE
AND THEY RENT IT OUT TO MY FRIEND JEFF FOR PHOTO SESSIONS.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
HE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS?
- YEAH. - WELL, I KNOW.
THEY DO SOME WORK HERE, BUT I LIVE HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE YOU OR NOT.
WELL..
I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER.
NO.
YOU WANT TO GET A DRINK?
ANYWAY, WEREN'T YOU HERE WITH SOMEONE?
HMM?
AND SHE HAPPENS TO BE MY PERFECT MATCH.
SHE'S NOT PERFECT.
SHE IS GOING OUT WITH YOU.
JUST KIDDING.
SO, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE COMING IN ANYMORE.
- NO, I GUESS NOT. - TOO BAD.
I WAS STARTING TO LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR TAPES.
GOD KNOWS WHY.
WELL, I WAS STARTING TO LOOK FORWARD
TO OUR LITTLE DISCUSSIONS.
GOD KNOWS WHY.
WELL, YOU FOUND MS. RIGHT.
( chuckles ) BUT YOU FOUND MR. RIGHT.
SO, WHY ARE YOU SITTING HERE WITH ME?
BECAUSE I LIKE THE WAY THE CHIVE'S STUCK BETWEEN YOUR TEETH.
NO.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
EDDIE. SHE'S HERE.
HMM?
OH... SKIP, PEGGY.
- HI. - HI.
OKAY. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
- COME ON. - OKAY, OKAY. THANKS.
WELL.
BYE.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M AN ACTOR/PSYCHIC.
REALLY? SO AM I.
Both: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT.
KELLY, KELLY, KELLY.
Kelly: WELL, IT'S NOT AS IF JACK DOESN'T HAVE MY NUMBER.
IT WAS HIS IDEA TO HAVE DINNER.
I'LL CALL HIM, I'LL TALK TO HIM.
- I'LL BURY HIM. - ( both chuckle )
WHEN YOU SOLD THEM ON COUPONS FOR THE BLIND? ( laughs )
WHAT A CONCEPT.
CONCEPTS, NEWCOMB, ARE EVERYTHING.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CONCEPT, YOU DON'T HAVE A PRODUCT.
HI.
WHO ARE YOU?
HAYES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I LIVE HERE.
MS. BONES, ED HAYES, I WORK FOR YOU.
YOU DO?
YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M IN CHARGE OF ALTERNATE MEDIA.
NEWCOMB, TELL YOU ABOUT THAT?
NO, HE DIDN'T.
YOU LITTLE RASCAL.
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
UH, HE'S IN, UH...
HANDBILLS AND FLYERS.
THIS IS MY WIFE, BETTY.
HI.
HOW DO YOU DO?
EXCUSE ME.
YES. MS. BONES?
I'M GOING AFTER THE MTV GENERATION.
NOW, THAT'S LIKE THE ZERO GENERATION,
JUST A BIT MORE YUPPIE.
WELL, YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT ADVERTISING.
WHAT OTHER FIRMS HAVE YOU BEEN WITH?
WELL.
IN CLEVELAND I WAS WITH A VERY SMALL FIRM.
YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF THEM.
OH, SURE I HAVE.
NO, THEY WERE VERY SMALL.
WELL, WAS IT PINKY AND CHICO?
HMM? YEAH. THAT'S IT.
PINKY AND CHICO.
HUH.
I WAS THE HEAD OF THEIR YOUTH DEPARTMENT.
NICE TRY, KID.
PINKY AND CHICO ARE MY DOGS.
OH, DON'T WORRY, I LIKE A MAN WHO LIES.
BUT JUST NOT TO ME.
NEWCOMB...
PROMOTE THIS KID.
I WANT TO SEE HIM IN THE STAFF MEETING MONDAY MORNING.
( stammers ) BUT-- KELLY.
DON'T BUT ME, NEWCOMB, JUST DO IT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DON'T THANK ME, ED, JUST BE THERE.
YES, MA'AM.
HAYES, YOU LITTLE TWERP.
CHILL OUT.
OKAY. HALF-HOUR.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
YEAH?
WELL, I'VE BEEN MAKING A LITTLE BULLSHIT GO A LONG WAY.
NO KIDDING?
UM, LET ME TALK TO HER A SECOND. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, BYE.
YOU LEAVING?
YEAH.
WELL, I WAS HOPING MAYBE WE COULD TALK,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT MORE.
WITH WHO? MR. MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES?
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?
OKAY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LIE TO THAT LADY,
BUT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT SOMETIMES
IT'S BETTER NOT TO TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH.
LOOK, EDDIE,
IT REALLY WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU,
BU YOU GOT A GIRL, REMEMBER?
COME ON, PEGGY, LET'S GO.
WELL, YOU BETTER GET GOING.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOUR BOYFRIEND WAITING, DO YOU?
NO.
I DON'T.
BYE.
SORRY.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WHO WAS THAT?
OH, IT WAS JUST THIS GIRL WHO WAS JUST BOTHERING ME ALL NIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON A TOUR OF THE HOUSE?
TOUR OF THE HOUSE?
I'D LIKE THAT.
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RICK?
THE ONE WITH THE CURVED WEENIE?
THAT THING GOES AROUND CORNERS BEFORE HE DOES.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WALK STRAIGHT FOR A WEEK.
( laughs ) I'M GOING TO GO PUT THIS ON.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE, OKAY?
OKAY.
SO, I'M OFF THE COAST OF JAMAICA, RIGHT?
I'M IN THIS CIGARETTE BOAT,
I DON'T REALIZE HOW BADLY WOUNDED I AM.
I'M GOING 150 MILES AN HOUR ON THE WATER.
I'M JUST SLAMMING INTO THE WAVES,
I'M, LIKE, PLUNGING INTO DARKNESS, YOU KNOW?
THERE'S FOAM-- IT'S SPRAYING ALL OVER MY CHEST AND DOWN.
♪ YOU'RE THE ONE I DREAM OF WHEN I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'RE FUN TO BE WITH... ♪
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
UNBELIEVABLE.
DOES THE NAME PENOD MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
YES.
THAT WAS MY NAME IN A PREVIOUS LIFE.
- OH, MY GOD. - OH, MY GOD.
SYLVIA?
PENOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU WENT OUT FOR A BUNDLE OF STICKS, YOU NEVER CAME BACK.
SYLVIA, IT RAINED FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS, OKAY?
MMM, MMM, MMM. WAIT. WAIT.
WHAT?
I'M NOT THE GUY IN THE VIDEO TAPE.
I MEAN, I AM THE GUY, IT WAS ME,
BUT THAT'S NOT ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,
AND I DON'T HAVE A JAGUAR,
AND I DON'T HAVE A YACHT.
I DON'T EVEN EAT BRIE. I HATE BRIE.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO LIKE ME FOR ME.
I DO.
I LIKE A MAN WHO'S HONEST.
KISS ME.
( moaning )
Man: SEE THAT DOG OVER THERE?
YOU MEAN SPUDS MACKENZIE, THE PARTY ANIMAL?
THAT'S NOT SPUDS MACKENZIE. THAT'S HIS LOOK-ALIKE.
- THAT'S THE KINDA BULLSHIT THAT GOES DOWN IN THIS TOWN. - I'LL SAY.
LOOK AT HIM, WORKING THE ROOM.
( moans ) TRACEY.
Man: TRACEY?
( Tracey moaning )
AHEM!
EXCUSE ME, BUCKWHEAT.
- ( chuckles ) - DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?
GROW UP, SPARKY.
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T STAND ME UP THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW.
UH-OH.
DON'T EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.
DON'T FLEX YOUR MUSCLES AROUND HERE, WE'RE NOT IMPRESSED.
I'M IMPRESSED.
YOU'RE HISTORY, PALLY.
THE PARTY'S OVER.
OH, GROW UP.
YOU'RE SUCH A CHILD.
I'LL BE BACK FOR YOUR LESSON IN A MINUTE.
LET'S GO, KNUCKLE BEAT.
YES, SPARKY.
COME ON, GET OUT.
Eddie: ( grunting ) PLEASE!
YOU HAVING FUN YET?
( grunting )
OH!
OH, MAN.
WELL, THAT MUST HURT.
GUESS IT WASN'T YOUR NIGHT AFTER ALL. HUH?
YOU KNOW, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS MORNING.
YOUR MOM CALLED MY MOM.
NO MORE TRUST FUND,
NO MORE CHECKS, NO MORE CREDIT CARDS.
YOU MEAN WITH YOUR WINNING SMILE
AND YOUR "HEY, DUDE" ATTITUDE,
YOU COULDN'T BULLSHIT YOUR PARENTS ANYMORE?
( laughs )
HEY, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU EASE UP HERE A LITTLE? OKAY?
I MEAN, MY CHICKS HAVE RUN OFF
WITH SOME PRODUCER AT THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.
WELL, SOMEONE MUST HAVE COME ALONG WITH A BETTER LINE OF B.S.
SO MUCH FOR YOUR STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS CLOSE TO REALITY BEFORE.
I'LL DO SOMETHING THOUGH.
I'M GOING TO COME UP WITH SOME SCAM.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT-- YOU GOT ANY IDEAS?
- HUH? - YEAH.
MAYBE YOU COULD GET OFF YOUR ASS
AND DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE WITH YOUR LIFE
INSTEAD OF WALKING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING
YOU'RE NOT AND ACTING LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
THAT'S A WRONG ANSWER.
THAT IS A WRONG ANSWER FROM YOU, EDDIE.
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT. YOU KNOW THAT?
I GROW EXOTIC HERBS IN OREGON,
AND I'M LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL GIRL, YOU KNOW,
LIKE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO CAN REBUILD A CARBURETOR...
I LIKE OLD MOVIES...
INTO FRENCH CUISINE, GREEK CULTURE,
AND WATER SPORTS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
...JUST LIKE A LITTLE WISP OF PUBIC HAIR.
I LIKE A GIRL WITH A BIG EGO.
OH, YEAH, AND BODYBUILDING.
BODYBUILDING?
YEAH, YEAH. WELL, I'VE WON A COUPLE OF CONTESTS.
WHAT?
MR. PACOIMA.
MORE LIKE MR. POTATO HEAD.
Receptionist: HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
Woman: UH, YES, I HAD THIS VIDEO MADE, AND UNFORTUNATELY...
EDDIE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
I JUST HAD A LITTLE ON-THE-JOB ACCIDENT.
EDDIE.
SOMETHING I KIND OF WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
WHAT?
IT'S ABOUT, UM, ME AND MY LIFEGUARD.
PEGGY, TELL ME.
NO, NEVER MIND. IT'S NOTHING.
I GOT TO GO.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?
YEAH, SURE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
HANG GLIDING.
NEXT TIME YOU OUGHT TO HANG ON TO THE GLIDER. ( laughs )
HANG ON TO THE GLIDER.
HEY, WHAT ARE THEY FILMING TRAIN WRECKS HERE NOW?
HEY. KEEP IT DOWN OUT HERE.
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF BREATHE.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T LITTLE ROMEO.
YES, MA'AM.
IT'S MY LAST TIME.
OH, WELL, IT'S LUCKY YOU CAME BY TODAY
BECAUSE WE'RE CLOSED TOMORROW
IN HONOR OF THE GREAT OCCASION, RIGHT, PEGGY?
RIGHT.
AW, WHAT THE HELL, YOU'VE PAID YOUR DUES, KID.
YOU GO NEXT.
- WAIT A MINUTE. - I'VE BEEN HERE--
HEY!
OR SHE'LL BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL.
CUT. TIME'S UP. HA HA.
I THINK WE HAVE ALL WE NEED, MR. KAMINSKY.
- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.
NOW, IF THIS IS YOUR LAST VISIT, ED,
IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE FOR ROMANCE.
SO, LET'S BE UP AND SEXY.
NO ONE EVER GOT A DATE BY BEING A DUD.
ARE YOU A DUD?
YEAH.
MM-HMM. THAT A BOY.
OF COURSE NOT.
ACTION.
LOOK.
I JUST HAVE ONE THING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU WOMEN OUT THERE.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OLD-FASHIONED ROMANCE?
I MEAN, IT USED TO BE TWO PEOPLE COULD MEET,
MAYBE THEY'D FALL IN LOVE,
BUT NOW THAT CAN'T HAPPEN,
'CAUSE NOBODY KNOWS WHO THEY ARE ANYMORE.
SO, WHAT IS IT, IS IT ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, WAKE UP OUT THERE, I'M TALKING TO YOU.
LISTEN, WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE UP WHO THEY ARE IN ORDER TO BE LIKED?
YOU WOULD THINK THAT IN THIS CRAZY WORLD,
THERE'D BE A SIMPLE WAY FOR TWO PEOPLE TO MEET
AND FALL IN LOVE, BUT NO, THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,
YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP SOME COCKAMAMIE PERSONA.
WHY CAN'T WE GET PAST WHAT KIND OF CARS WE DRIVE
AND WHAT WE LOOK LIKE AND WHAT KIND OF JOBS WE HAVE?
THAT STUFF ISN'T IMPORTANT.
LISTEN, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THE REASON WHY THERE'S SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD IS BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO OPEN THEIR HEARTS ANYMORE.
LOOK, EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO FALL IN LOVE,
AND I JUST DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE TO MAKE UP
WHO YOU ARE IN ORDER TO DO IT.
THAT'S IT.
I GIVE UP.
BEAUTIFUL, KID.
THAT'LL BE 60 BUCKS.
WHOA.
UNBELIEVABLE.
HEY, TONY.
YOU'RE LATE!
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S-- I DON'T KNOW, MAN,
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE WORKING HERE ANYMORE.
I THINK I'M GOING TO HEAD OUT OF TOWN.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
UH-HUH.
YEAH, RIGHT?
SO, WHERE YOU GOIN'?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T THINK L.A.'s FOR ME. YOU KNOW?
PROBABLY GO HOME FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
AT LEAST I UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE THERE.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
HOW COME YOU LIVE IN THAT BOX?
COME HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
WOW.
SEE, EVERYBODY LIVES IN A BOX, EDDIE.
NOW, NOBODY ENVIES ME,
I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED,
AND I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY ON THE SIDE
COPYWRITING FOR MY BROTHER.
- REALLY? - MM-HMM.
NOW, I HEARD THAT YOU USED TO SWEEP MINES IN GRANADA.
YEAH. WELL, I MADE THAT UP.
SEE, IN THIS TOWN YOU CAN MAKE UP WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
I HEARD THAT.
SEE, MY PROBLEM IS,
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO BE?
WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME
IF YOU JUST KEEP ON THE ROAD YOU'RE ON, YOU'LL FIND OUT.
LOOK, I'M GONNA GO, OKAY?
MY BROTHER CALLED.
HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE AT THAT MONDAY MEETING.
YOU WANT TO WORK FOR THEM?
MONDAY MEETING, REALLY?
I KIND OF GOT IN UNDER FALSE PRETENSES. YOU KNOW?
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH FALSE PRETENSES
AS LONG AS YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
SEND ME A CARD.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
SEE YOU LATER, TONY.
SO LONG, KID.
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU LOOK GREAT, MAN.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED UP?
WELL, YOU SEE, I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID,
AND I GOT A JOB.
JOB?
( laughs ) YEAH.
YOU GOT A JOB?
I'M DRIVING A LIMO, MAN, IT IS SO BIG, MAN.
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.
WELL, I'M PROUD OF YOU, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MAN?
I'M GOING HOME.
L.A. IS NOT FOR ME, SO...
WAIT, WAIT.
HAVE YOU LISTENED TO THE PHONE MACHINE?
NO. WHY?
YOU GOT ABOUT 100 CALLS FROM CHICKS.
YOU GOT TO-- COME HERE.
THIS PHONE HAS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOK.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID AT THAT VIDEO SERVICE,
BUT WHATEVER YOU DID, IT WORKED.
LISTEN.
Woman: Hello, Eddie?
I just saw your tape, and you are the most sexy
and honest guy I have ever seen.
Call me, Donna K05-2021.
Woman: Hi there, I was just on the dating service,
and I just saw your tape.
You know, nobody has ever affected me that way
You are so incredibly sensuous.
I hope you call me because I can touch your heart
just the way you touched--
( beeps )
THAT'S GREAT, BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER,
'CAUSE I'M OUT OF HERE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
DON'T GIVE UP HERE, MAN, BECAUSE PEGGY KELLOGG CALLED.
REMEMBER HER? THE PARTY?
LISTEN.
( rewinding )
Peggy: Hi. This is Peggy Kellogg.
Um, I've never done this before,
but I just wanted to call you
and tell you I really admired what you said.
I'm sorry I misjudged you.
I really wish I had known that part of you before,
because I really like you.
Anyway, I wish things
had turned out differently between us.
Bye.
( beeps )
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT A JERK.
SHE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A JERK.
NO, MAN. NOT HER, ME.
I GOT TO TALK TO HER.
I GOT TO TALK TO HER RIGHT NOW.
SO, WHAT'S STOPPING YOU?
SO, SO, WHAT DO I DO?
WE TALK TO HER. WE FIND HER.
YOU NEED A LIMO?
♪ I NEED LOVE, LOVE, TO EASE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND I NEED TO FIND TIME ♪
♪ SOMEONE TO CALL MINE ♪
♪ MY MAMA SAID, YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ♪
♪ SHE SAID LOVE DON'T COME EASY ♪
♪ IT'S A GAME OF GIVE AND TAKE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ♪
♪ JUST TRUST IN THE GOOD TIME ♪
♪ NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES... ♪
HUH?
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
YEAH?
HI. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS WEDDING?
WHAT'S TO KNOW?
SOME LADY WHO WORKS AT THE SERVICE IS GETTING MARRIED.
WHO?
I DON'T KNOW.
MARRY?
GEE.
PEGGY CAN'T MARRY THAT GUY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
I GOT TO STOP HER. THANK YOU.
♪ IT'S A GAME OF GIVE AND TAKE ♪
♪ HOW LONG MUST I WAIT ♪
♪ HOW MUCH MORE MUST I TAKE ♪
♪ BEFORE LONELINESS WILL 'CAUSE MY HEART ♪
♪ HEART TO BREAK ♪
♪ NO, I CAN'T BEAR TO LIVE MY LIFE ALONE ♪
♪ I'VE GROWN IMPATIENT FOR A LOVE TO CALL MY OWN ♪
♪ BUT WHEN I FEEL THAT I ♪
♪ I CAN'T GO ON ♪
♪ WELL, THESE PRECIOUS WORDS KEEP ME HANGING ON ♪
♪ I REMEMBER MAMA SAID ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ♪
♪ SHE SAID LOVE DON'T COME EASY ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S A GAME OF GIVE AND TAKE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ♪
♪ JUST TRUST IN A GOOD TIME ♪
♪ NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES ♪
♪ NOW BREAK! ♪
♪ NOW LOVE, LOVE, IT DON'T COME EASY ♪
♪ BUT I KEEP ON WAITING ♪
♪ ANTICIPATING FOR THAT SOFT VOICE ♪
♪ TO TALK TO ME AT NIGHT... ♪
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO HER?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO--
HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?
I DON'T KNOW!
♪ MY MAMA SAID YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE. ♪
COME ON, OPEN UP!
PLEASE?
OH!
SHH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I'M SORRY, I'M LATE.
WE'RE WITH THE LIMO COMPANY.
I'M WITH HIM.
( organ playing wedding march )
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
ALL RIGHT. UM...
( mumbling )
GO BACK, GO BACK, GO BACK, GO BACK.
EDDIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M REALLY SORRY.
UM, LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, PEGGY.
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR MESSAGE
AND I HAVE BEEN SUCH A JERK,
AND IF YOU'RE MARRYING THIS GUY FOR ANY OTHER REASON THAN LOVE,
YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE,
AND I KNOW 'CAUSE I ALMOST DID IT.
YEAH.
I AM REALLY SORRY.
I AM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER.
OKAY. FINE. GO AHEAD.
WHAT?
EDDIE, I LIED TO YOU.
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND, HE'S MY BROTHER.
I SORT OF MADE THAT UP.
YOU KNOW, WORKING IN A DATING SERVICE AND ALL,
BUT I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.
SHE IS.
HI, KID.
OH, MY GOD.
I AM SO EMBARRASSED.
I'M SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
UM, UM...
LISTEN, I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PLACE.
YOU KNOW...
WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHICH EDDIE WOULD I BE GOING OUT WITH?
ME. THIS ONE.
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO ASK.
I'D LOVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
REALLY?
KISS HER.
OH.
Crowd: AW.
♪ I WATCHED YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM ♪
♪ I WANT TO SAY THIS JUST RIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU'RE NOT WAITIN' FOR SOMEBODY SPECIAL ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE WITH ME TONIGHT? ♪
♪ I'M A DOCTOR, I'M A LAWYER ♪
♪ I'M A MOVIE STAR ♪
♪ I'M AN ASTRONAUT, AND I OWN THIS BAR ♪
♪ AND I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YES, I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ OH, I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
♪ I CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR ♪
♪ AND SOME SECRETS ABOUT MYSELF ♪
♪ I CAN TELL YOU YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE, BABY ♪
♪ THERE'LL NEVER BE NOBODY ELSE ♪
♪ I'M RUNNIN' FOR PRESIDENT ♪
♪ I GOT MONEY TO BURN ♪
♪ MY HEART DON'T ACHE AND MY BODY DON'T YEARN ♪
♪ AND I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ OH, I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YES, I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOU LOVE ♪
♪ AND THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
♪ MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER ♪
♪ JUST TO COME OUT AND SAY IT ♪
♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE ♪
♪ QUITE LIKE YOU ♪
♪ MY FAMILY COMES FROM ROYALTY ♪
♪ ON MY DADDY'S SIDE ♪
♪ I CAN READ YOUR PALMS AND CARDS ♪
♪ AND TELL YOU, OUR LOVE JUST CAN'T BE DENIED ♪
♪ I'M A DOCTOR, I'M A LAWYER, I'M A MOVIE STAR ♪
♪ I'M AN ASTRONAUT, AND I OWN THIS BAR ♪
♪ AND I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YES, I'D LIE TO YOU FOR YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ AND THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie to you ♪
♪ OH, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie to you ♪
♪ OH, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie to you ♪
♪ OH, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie to you ♪
♪ OH, LIE TO YOU, LIE TO YOU, LIE TO YOU. ♪
♪ Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie ♪
♪ AND THAT'S THE TRUTH. ♪